The Complete Marriage Counselor by Sherry Amatenstein

Author:Sherry Amatenstein
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: ebook, book
Publisher: Adams Media,
Published: 2010-07-15T00:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER EIGHT

HANDLING THE

ROUGH PATCHES

For couples facing a crisis, the danger is twofold. First there is the trauma, be it the illness or death of a loved one, loss of a job, infertility, or other sad challenge. Then there is the chaos often resulting in the relationship, especially when each person handles trauma differently. It is essential to learn both the tools that can bring you closer as well as strategies for avoiding the traps that can tear you apart. In this chapter, marriage experts who specialize in crisis counseling provide dead-on advice on how to handle a host of potential minefields.

My husband’s been unemployed for five months. My salary is floating us, but his self-esteem is taking a huge hit. He used to be this macho man but now he’s more and more insecure. How can I convince him he’s still worthy of my respect?

KAREN SHERMAN, P HD:

The wife can’t convince her husband to have self-worth, but she can let him know she thinks he’s worthy. First, it’s crucial not to invalidate his emotions. She needs to say something like, “I understand you feel terrible. Men identify themselves in our society by the fact that they’re breadwinners.” Then she can add a more personal statement: “But our relationship is based far more on who we are as people. I am supportive of you. I am here for you. We will get through this.”

What he does after this is up to him. A wife tends to analyze and want to talk. A man is typically reluctant to have long conversations. He’d rather say simply, “I feel really lousy. I don’t have a job,” and leave it there. He’s voiced his feelings. A woman trying to make her husband feel better might have the opposite effect. She can ask his help on things that can build his feeling of competence and then show him she appreciates his efforts. But don’t go overboard. He’s not stupid. He can sense when his wife is trying to feed his ego.

PAUL DUNION, EDD, LPC:

This is all about the female’s need to influence her husband. She shouldn’t try to convince him he’s deserving of her respect; that’s beyond her control. But many women in this situation would try to change the husband’s mindset, and wind up feeling stupid or inadequate for not pulling it off. She can be his ally, but building self-esteem is an internal process.

It’s a big deal for couples to learn what is under their control and what is not. Most are not clear about the distinction. But in this case she’s infantilizing him. This is a dynamic she needs to escape from, as much for her sake as for his. This question is a great metaphor for getting clear about limits and not attempting the impossible in the name of love.

“MY TAKE ”

Remember the famous Eleanor Roosevelt quote, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”? According to Dr. Sherman and Dr. Dunion, the other side of the coin is true as well.

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